Dad says, and I know he's right, that I have the dates wrong that Jean was in our house. I knew that I wasn't 100% sure of the time frame but it seems that Jean was with us BEFORE I moved to Philly, not after.
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When I returned from Philly this is how our home looked. I was 21 and still busy partying a little too much. Sandy was 19 and dating. Robby and Shell' were in high school. Even though Mom and Dad weren't around, Sandy made the smart decision to leave the parenting to Mom and Dad. To this day I think she made a great decision. She knew it wasn't her job to parent and she didn't stupidly take on a roll that wasn't hers. But stupidly, I did.
Robby would have been 17 and heading for his senior year and Shell' would have been 15. Dad had full custody but he was on the road a LOT. Mom was busy rebuilding her life. We'll just leave it at that. She loved us but she was seriously trying to find her way and didn't engage in parenting during this time. With two kids left in high school I felt like someone had to step up and so I did. The babies (our pet name for Shell' & Rob back then) called me Mom during this time frame. I'm sure they said it with resentment but they said it. I would get them off to school and then go to work. At 3:00 I would call from work to check on them and to inquire as to their homework. I would drive them where they had to be and I would do my best to do what I thought was right. Even though I resented being put in this position I loved caring for them. Loved showing Mom that I could do it without her.
My take charge personality had no idea that what I was doing would negatively affect my relationships with everyone involved. Honestly, I just thought that our parents had quit before the job was done and I was stepping up to try and finish the job.
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Jumping ahead seven years to my Mom's last days before her death...
I believed that Mom and Dad had put me in the "Mom roll" back in 1985. But when they came back into the picture to take care of everyone (which they did!) I didn't step down from my parenting roll. It wasn't conscience, of course, I just didn't realize that I was acting inappropriately.
I saw my Mom and her actions as immature, I believed I was better equipped at handling things and I stepped on her toes a lot over these years. I can't even explain it well, except to say that I felt a superiority over her that affected my relationships with my family.
Days before my Mom died she gave me a beautiful gift. The most amazing gift that she could have ever given and I am so grateful to her!!
Robby and I had been in a fuss about something. I have NO IDEA what. But I know that he was livid and he talked to Mom about it. She either called me to her house or I was there and she confronted me on the issue. I fought with her to be right (please, kids, don't ever be a right fighter!!) and argued with her for a long time. Remember, she was in a hospital bed in her living room actively DYING! when this happened. Finally, surprisingly, she said, "WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE MATRIARCH OF THIS FAMILY?!?!" "You are not their mother and you never have been. Stop acting like their mother and simply be their sister!!"
Thankfully, I heard her. Thankfully, I swallowed it. Thankfully, I listened.
Mom died only days later. Surely, in the old way of doing things, I would have been in charge of everything. But no. She had insured that I was responsible for almost nothing. Robby took control of the estate. My 24 year old brother, who had quietly, respectfully, and lovingly earned the right to lead the family handled it all.
There was a family meeting near the funeral day that saw everyone but Mark in attendance. Even Dad was there. Gary spoke inappropriately and Robby quietly asked him to leave. He didn't shout, he didn't get outwardly angry (like I would have), he simply said that with Gary's attitude it was best he leave. And he did. Child number five excused the eldest from, not only the table, but the restaurant. The new order of things had been set.
What an amazing gift Mom had given all of us. Robby & Shellie didn't need to be taken care of anymore. They had earned their wings and Mom gave them to them before she died - by dismissing me. And she gave me the right to relax and rest in simply being a sister.
She taught me that the kids had a Mom, thank you.
