It's been more than fifteen years since I've visited with Mom while awake. But I have visited with her numerous times in my sleep. The passage of time is taking away the most beautiful gift that was given to me when she died. Quickly after her death I started with her in my dreams. I always woke so happy and peaceful, because while I slept I was with Mom. The dreams never feel like they're long enough, but they've always been gifts and make me smile. It's probably been years since my last. I would hate to guess how long, but it's been quite some time. Until Wednesday night.
Like Shellie I posted the family photo of '79 or '80 (Shell' in the red and white checks) as the wallpaper on my computer. This has resulted in me looking at Mom (and all of you!) every single day for some time. I love that picture of Mom. I know that Dad didn't like her hair, but I think she looked GREAT!! I like remembering her that way.
Unfortunately, since her death, I have had a personal policy of not having a picture of Mom up in my house. I have her baby picture, but not a grown picture. Crazy, huh? Years ago I tried and it was simply too painful. The one that I sat out in those early months was of she and Kari. I quickly took it down. For some reason that picture brings back negative stuff for me. It wasn't always a great time in our relationship. I didn't want to remember the bad stuff. For me, there was plenty of bad but there is no reason to think of it every day that I see her picture. I know this same picture brings comfort and joy to others. Please know that this is only my experience. It has nothing to do with Buggy or anyone else. It is simply the way Mom looks in that picture. We fought a lot when she looked like that. Why was I so self-riotous?!
The family picture is different. I wasn't old enough to fight her yet. I didn't understand her then and might have been frustrated with her at times, but it was my goal in those years to please her. I don't know if I did, but I tried. I like seeing her face in that picture. It makes me happy.....very happy, and tearful.
So, after staring at her face for days and days.....she visited me in my dreams. Want to hear how our visit went? Okay..... I was visiting Shelley Evans and her daughter, Rebecca (Sandy's neighbor). I was in their back yard and said hello to the neighbor behind them. She turned around and smiled at me. It was Mom! We both walked slowly to the fence and through tears I said, "Are you my Mom? Are you my Mom?" She simply smiled that same smile that is in the picture and slowly nodded her head yes. When we were close enough I held her face in my hands and looked in her eyes. It was my Mom! She told me that she didn't want to be a bother to us kids and decided to move away. She had been living in this home behind Shelley's house so that she could watch Sandy and her family grow up. And then she gave me a great big hug and told me she loved me. Do you remember her hugs? I didn't until I woke that morning. And now I remember again.
I hugged my Mommy and told her that I loved her! Wow -- what a gift from God!
It was so amazing to feel her arms around me again and to hug her like I've never hugged her before. It's great to remember those hugs again. I can easily see her face as I go through my day now. I had lost that. And I can imagine hugging her again. That had been gone a long time. I'm going to look for the large version of that family picture and find a spot in our home for it. I think I'm ready to have Mom's picture up around here. Hard to believe that took fifteen years!
I pray that Mom visits you one night very soon.
Love you all!
Traci
Uncle Rick & A. Shellie came down to hang out with all of us. This is U. Rick and I dancing to the great blues music playing at Lu Lu's Restaurant. (We missed you Daddy!) We left Grandma and Grandpa alone for a little bit today so that Grandpa could get some rest and get his pain under control. I hear that Mom, A. Shell' and U. Rick got in trouble for being gone FOUR HOURS without calling and checking in! Shame on you adults! (Seriously, Sorry Dad and Dawn. We didn't mean to scare you.)
