Good Morning Friends and Family,
I spoke to a very dear friend last evening. (Thank you - you do my heart good.) She had called to offer her support and encouragement. I hadn't received the message but called her because I needed to talk and I knew that she would understand, listen and talk down these huge emotions that I was feeling. I appreciate her reaching out to me and she did my heart good. Our conversation did make me wonder what feelings I was projecting on this journal though. I would like to take this opportunity to share what this past couple of weeks has been like for ME. As I understand it, my friend was under the impression (from my writings) that I might be struggling with who Ling Wan Rong is. Perhaps I've not expressed myself well. In reality, I am crazy in love with our little girl and can not wait until the day that we can take her in our arms and love her in person. But allow me to explain this process and the awesome way God works in our lives.
On referral day I was so incredibly happy to hear how very young Wan Rong is. It was my hope and prayer that she would come into our lives as young as possible and she did. I am thankful to God on her behalf, as well as ours, for this blessing. On Tuesday we received emails that included her pictures. I have shared with our travel group that we didn't fall madly in love-at-first-site with her picture. I've explained that after sixteen + months of waiting, praying and looking for your child, preconceived ideas develop in your head. I tried to avoid that but it's hard. It doesn't matter if your child is adopted or biological, these things happen. I remember calling Valerie & Kevin our little monkey for the first month of their lives because they both had tons of hair that stood staight up like baby chimpanzees. I didn't expect my child to look like a chimpanzee ;-) but, you know what? They did a little bit. Of course, I loved and adored them. My only sin here is speaking what I feel when I feel it. It's a curse.
Back to the Tuesday after referral. For the first 24 hours, I looked at Wan Rong with an eye for the details of the picture. Her finger nails were so incredibly long. (Her Momma wanted to cut those for her.) Her layers were suffocating but necessary due to the cold. Her adorable hair was in need of bows (and her Momma.) Her face said that she needed to be in bed at 3:40am....not posing for pictures. Her adorably cute face was completely perfect, with the most kissable lips ever. I spent those first 24 hours pouring over those details. It wasn't until the next day that I started looking at her pictures and literally saying, "Aaaaahhhh, my baby." By day three I was head over heels and didn't even see those details that had concerned me two days prior. All I saw was our baby. Our sweet girl that is so wanted and loved. I started nesting and rearranging furniture in our house. After all, it finally was feeling real. We're having a baby. Not any baby.....Ling Wan Rong....our baby!
I scoured the internet for any detail that I could find about Ling Wan Rong, her town and her story. We obtained an amazing DVD that fully shows life for orphans in Shangrao, PRC. We obtained her finding ad that shows her picture at a very young age. She was under one month in that picture. We searched for every blog and internet page available that talked about Shangrao City and the orphanages there. I know from spending sixteen months on this computer that information is available but it's our job as our adopted children's parents to search it out and obtain every piece of their history while the trail is hot. Jaden is counting on me to have these pieces available for her when she is ready.
That brings us to the first email that talked about a person named Karen. We were told that she had additional pictures of our daughter. For two-and-a-half days we waited for these new pictures that we were told existed. Looking back, perhaps I shouldn't have allowed myself to put so much stock into those beautiful words in that emial. I know that Val gave us information as she knew it but perhaps I should have been more cautious. But hey!! My daughter, my child, the girl that we will raise and love and cherish is currently on the other side of the world.....I wanted those pictures. I wanted to know that just one week before, a woman had held our daughter, sang to her and might be able to describe her personality and a small portion of her life to me. It felt good to know that we would have this info. soon.
When we were sent the email yesterday saying that there had been a mistake and that they weren't sure if they saw Wan Rong, I was crushed. Maybe I shouldn't have shared that I felt sick to my stomach on my blog. But you know what? I DID!! I felt like that because I adore our new daughter so much that I was hoping to have another connection with her. I want to be clear that I am so grateful to Val, Karen and the group that went to Ling Orphanage in Shangrao to help the caregivers and to look for our daughters. We want them to know that they were a help to those children and we appreciate them. We are not upset in any way with them and understand completely the circumstances of that day as they have explained them to us.
I don't know if the pictures that we obtained are Wan Rong or not. Karen, the woman holding the little girl in the pictures, has someone trying to find out that child's name. I have sent an email to Adele with Blessed Kids to see if she can send these pictures to the orphanage director and obtain identification or at the very least, determine if it is Wan Rong or not. We desire to know one way or the other for Jaden's sake - not necessarily ours.
The cool thing about this experience is that it has brought me emotionally closer to our daughter. For those of you not going through an adoption, you can't imagine how easy it is to wall off your heart as a safety mechanism. It feels as though the last bricks have fallen over the past 24 hours. I easily cry as I think of Wan Rong in her home now and Jaden in the future. My "Momma's heart" desperately wants to jump the next plane to get to our girl. Our daughter is in China, half a world away, and I want her with us. It hurts to continue to be seperated from her. It's necessary because this is a process but that doesn't stop my heart from aching for our daughter. None of that is a bad thing. It's all good. This Momma is bonding. Bonding to a picture but that's bonding and that's good!
We should hear about TA's soon. Within the next week or two. That's when the agency starts planning our travel. I'd better get busy, huh?
Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for listening to this Mom ramble on and on. I've never been one to hold back my emotions. Again, a curse. But in this case, I like what I'm feeling and I like putting it out there. I'm a mother of three and our house only has two children in it. A piece of my heart is in China and I need her. I really need her.
Love, Traci
Our new front walk. We'll be seeding soon.
Remember the summer kitchen? Here are some pictures of it suspended while the crew prepares the new columns and patio. Obviously there's still a lot to be done.
This picture shows where the summer kitchen is in relation to the pool.
Here the crew is finishing one of the stone columns. At least the summer kitchen is back in concrete again. For awhile we were concerned about it ending up in the pool. 
