Do you remember when I talked to you about my "what if wall?" When you wait this long for your child the wall is sometimes very high, sometimes non-existent and sometimes under construction. Today my wall is under control. Today I feel confident in my ability to love, nurture, teach, build up and care for my coming daughter. However, on Mother's Day I was a wreck. My wall was higher than the eye could see. I was a bundle of nerves. I was terrified that I would be unable to successfully parent another child. It took my little girl, my sweet Valerie, who accidentally saw my tears and heard me say to Scott, "I don't think I can be a good Mom to Jaden", to knock down the wall. She innocently stood in our bedroom doorway and answered my concern with, "You're already a good Mom to two kids!" She made my heart soar. And now it's my turn to help her.
Valerie was the catalyst to this adoption. She came home from school in the fall of 2004 asking for a sister. Kevin immediately jumped on board and the campaign began. It was only four months later that she and her brother, with a lot of help from God, had us on our Journey to Jaden. She has wanted a little sister for more than twenty months. I believe that she has thought about her, dreamed of her and planned for her daily. The anticipation must be HUGE for Valerie. And right now so is her stress. Her "what if" wall is very high and I'm diligently trying to help her bring it down.
Valerie is convinced that her sister won't like her. She is terrified and has cried about it several times in the past week. We have talked and talked and talked. We have loved, laughed and cried as we've come together to work through this problem. Valerie has a real bad case of the "what ifs".
I'm sharing all of this on the blog for Valerie. I'm sharing all of this because I always want her to remember that she struggled with this. I want her to remember it when she and her sister are lying in bed giggling with each other when they are supposed to be asleep, I want her to remember when she takes time away from her friends to be at her sister's gymnastics meet or soccer game, I want her to remember when she is annoyed by her sister because she is following her around out of admiration, I want her to remember when she's a grown woman sitting at her sister's high school graduation. I want Valerie to remember.
This is the story that I shared with Valerie last night in an attempt to help her understand why her sister might initially pull away from her. I am trying to help Valerie understand that we have waited a very, very long time for Jaden. Our love has grown day after day after day but Jaden's story is different. I asked Valerie to close her eyes and use her imagination as I tell her a story of how Jaden might feel as she meets us. And this is what I said:
Imagine being at home enjoying family time with Daddy, Kevin and Mommy. Imagine all of us on the couch; we're playing checkers, laughing and tickling each other. All of a sudden there is a knock on the door. Daddy gets up and answers the door. We all turn to look and we see a man standing in a suit at the front door. The man says to Daddy, "It's time." Daddy turns around and comes to the couch. He picks you up lovingly and carries you to the door. Mommy cries and cries. Mommy doesn't want you to go, but you must. Your Mommy and Daddy kiss you goodbye and lovingly hand you to this very nice man. You leave our house crying and crying with your arms stretched out calling, "MOMMY!!!! DADDY!!!!!" We stand at the door sobbing and waving.
In the car you cower by the door. He's being nice but you don't know him and you don't know where he's taking you. You're terrified and you cry the entire time that you're in the car. This man drives you to a big, big building. There are lots and lots of kids but you don't know any of them. You don't want to play or eat or be touched. You are so sad inside. You're still crying as you sit in your bed as far away from everyone as you can get. Your heart hurts because you want your Mommy and Daddy back. You live at this building for a while. You don't like it but after awhile you start slowly eating and sometimes you play with toys. Mostly though you don't want anyone holding you or bothering you. After what seems like a long time you finally feel really comfortable with one lady at the big, big building. She's always nice to you. She feeds you and helps you change your clothes and you like her.
One morning she comes in and she's in a hurry. She's getting you dressed and feeding you like she always does but you can tell that something is different. She keeps saying, "Today's your lucky day." You have no idea what she's talking about. After getting dressed and having breakfast she walks you outside and gets in a car with you. You haven't driven anywhere since you arrived at the big, big building. Some thing's wrong!! You can tell. You start to feel afraid again. She's taking you away from what you know. AGAIN someone is taking you away! She starts talking to you in the car and this is what she said, "Valerie, today you'll get a new Mommy and Daddy. Be very good. Don't cry or be rude. This is a good thing. They'll love you." On the outside you sit quietly as tears run down your face. On the inside you're dying. It hurts soooo much. You don't want to go away, you're finally getting used to the big, big building. You tell the lady, "I'll be good. I'll play with the kids more. I'll cry less. I'll try harder." The lady just pats your back and says, "You're a lucky girl." You don't feel lucky though. You feel betrayed, mad and angry!!!!
Finally, you arrive at another building. The lady takes you inside and gives you to a mandarin-speaking-Asian couple. You've never seen Asian people before. They look different, they talk different, they even smell a little different. You continue to cry and cry and cry. Inside your heart is screaming, "I JUST WANT MY MOMMY AND DADDY! TAKE ME HOME!!!" But instinctively you know it's no use. This couple is so happy. They are hugging you, touching your hair, kissing your cheeks and taking lots and lots of pictures. You don't want them to touch you. You try to pull away but it's no use. They are holding on sooo tight!
They take you back to a big room with a couple of beds in it. They give you a bath, try to feed you and then put you to bed. They are very nice but who are they? After a period of time they take you on a plane. You are on that for a very long time and eventually you get VERY tired. But you can't get comfortable. You try to sleep but it's almost impossible. After what seems like forever the couple lets you know that it's time to get off of the plane. You can't understand their words but you're following them as they lead you. You walk with them through another building and eventually you see people yelling and crying and laughing all at the same time. The couple are on either side of you holding your hands. They are crying too. You're so tired that you just want to go to bed. But no one seems to notice or care. Everybody is so excited and all you can think about is how afraid you are and how tired you are! Inside you're screaming to go back to the big, big building or better yet to your Mommy and Daddy!! The kids who greet you don't speak English either. They are speaking mandarin as well. You don't understand anything that anyone is saying. They keep touching you and laughing and smiling and putting their head closer and closer to yours. You push them away and cry! You cry and cry but you can't get away from them!
Valerie and I were cheek to cheek as I told her this story. She listened carefully and nodded occasionally as I told it. When I finished the story I asked her, "Sweetheart, can you understand why the little girls that you've met from China might need some space for awhile?" She said, "Yes." I went on to explain that with time, love, space and understanding they will come to love completely their new home, parents, brothers, sisters and lives. I told Valerie that it would only take Jaden a week or two to see what an awesome big sister that she has. I went on to tell her all of the things that Jaden would love about her.
The last thing I told her was this. "Valerie, of course you're going to be a great big sister. You're already a great big sister to one brother." She smiled and so did I.
Valerie, any child would be blessed to have you as a sister!
Love, Mommy
I know it's not Father's Day yet but I just have to mention how blessed I am to have Scott Smith as the father of my children. 
Valerie can typically only take so much. She enjoys her sleep and started begging for sleep at her normal bedtime. Kevin wasn't far behind her. It took awhile for them to settle in but we had lights off and a roaring fire at 10pm.
We had a great time and look forward to our next "special night". Thanks Valerie & Kevin for such a good time. Your Daddy & I are blessed. 