China Adoption....Our Journey to Jaden

Random thoughts about this journey....

I sit at my keyboard knowing that I have many thoughts to convey.  Where do I start?  I'll just throw them out there in no particular order and then talk about them later.  Here goes; I think about staying home instead of traveling to China in order to care for my babies, and to ensure that one parent is awake to enjoy our family of five when Jaden comes home. I have started having dreams about our referral being in the February (next) batch. I am terrified of turning into a terrible mother when I have three to care for instead of only two. I'm not sure that I have it in me to care for a baby again. I'm tired of my computer. I can't get away from my computer. I need balance!  Okay, I'll stop there but I'm sure that I could go on and on and on!

Okay, okay, so I will not stay home from China.  I don't think that Scott or I either one are strong enough to miss this experience, even if it is for Valerie and Kevin's sake.  However, doesn't it make so much sense?  One parent travels and brings home our daughter.  The other parent stays with our beautiful children and cares for their needs and then is fully ready to care for and pamper the new daughter and spouse after the homecoming.  Makes perfect sense.  The problem?  Scott wants to go to China.  Oh, and I want to go to China.  The bottom line is that we're both going to China to experience this together.  Figuring out how to make it work is another story. 

I really wish that my sister was a stay-at-home Mom.  She could care for our babies and take them to school while we're gone.  She could help us out after the homecoming, taking Valerie and Kevin on great adventures.  Although it's important to say that part of my stress comes from knowing that people will have to care for Valerie and Kevin after our return so that we can try and recover.  Lack of sleep makes this Mom sub-human (and that's an understatement.)  I don't want Valerie and Kevin to continue to be cared for by others after we're back home.  Maybe folks will be kind enough to come to our home and play with Valerie and Kevin while Scott and I recover, keeping them close by.  BUT, what if when we get home I don't want them close by?  What if I'm begging someone to take them?  My greatest fear!  That's sort of what happened after I came home from the hospital two years ago.  I was without them for more than two weeks and then after coming home we had to send them away again.  Oh, I don't want that event to ever repeat itself!  (Please know that there is much more to this story.  I was very sick and Scott was very stressed.)

If you don't know me well then I have to reiterate this fact:  I am a horrible, mean, hateful, "it's all your fault", "I hate the world" kinda' girl when I'm tired.  I'm more than miserable to be around.  Self control?  Shamefully, I admit that I don't have any of that when I'm tired.  I turn into Satan in human flesh!  The next time you see Scott.....just ask him.  The success of our marriage hinges on one seemingly simple task:  Make sure Mom sleeps!  Perhaps I'm exagerating....ask Scott.  I assume that I have fully explained why this is such a huge worry for me.  I love Valerie and Kevin far too much to leave them for two weeks and then come home possessed.  Calling on God for big help with this one. 

Julie, one of our travel mates, made some great suggestions for transitioning after the homecoming.  She offered some great advice and we will be taking her advice. 

What's next?  Aaahhhh, referrals in February!  I crack myself up.  I have been diligent about preparing my heart for April or May.  Prepare for a long wait......that's been my advice to others and to myself.  Well, how do I stop my dreams?  I woke up this morning in the best mood and excited because, in my dreams, on February 21st (Happy Birthday Sandy!) the CCAA matched May 14th through June 16th!  Dreamland...anything can happen!  Imagine that.....all the way up to our exact LID.  Hmmmmm...  My heart has been a little more happy today with that thought in the back of my mind.  Then I start the self talk.  Stop it Traci, it was a dream.  There is no way that they're going to match up to mid June.  And then my alter ego, well, what if they did?  Wouldn't that be cool?   Stop it, they are not going to do that.  Well, they could!  I'm awake now and so outwardly I will continue to talk about April or May.  If I could just shut that voice up inside my head!

Let's skip the, "I am terrified of turning into a terrible mother when I have three to care for instead of only two" crap.  Could I be any more ridiculous?  I'll figure it out.

We must skip that ridiculousness to get to the all important and not so ridiculous, "I'm not sure that I have it in me to care for a baby again."  Sunday, February 12, 2006 I will be 42 years old.  I know, I know, I'm not old.  I know that it's just a number.  I know that it "doesn't matter."  BUT, I went to visit a friend the other night and was blessed with the opportunity to hold and love on her six week old little boy, Josiah.  It took me five or six minutes just to figure out how to hold him.  It's only been six years, but did I happen to mention that six years is a very long time!  Baby Jaden, please excuse Mommy as she tries to remember what to do.

Lastly, the computer!  What to say about the computer?  Let's see....I need balance!  So, I'll get off of here now and go work on some laundry.  But, before I go, if anyone is interested in making me a cover for my monitor I would really appreciate it.  It could attach to the top with velcro and could be lifted up over the monitor when I use the computer.  The most important thing that I want on this piece of fabric is the word "Balance" written very clearly in bold print. 

Thanks for listening to my, "Oh my, this baby is coming and I don't know what to do" ramblings!

I'm so grateful to have God!  Without him I think I might just fall apart, AND the answer is NO, it is not any particular time of the month.

~Traci

Five kids for two days.....fun!!

Valerie, Taryn and Kimmie sleeping together in a queen size bed.  They did exceptionally well!

Kevin, Jeremiah and Taryn playing on Friday afternoon.  I hope that the kids had a great time.  They seemed to.

Taryn and Jeremiah told us that Kimmie loved baths and Valerie needed one, so we put them in together.  Kimmie played and played with Valerie.  She was in a great mood after this.  She talked, laughed and sang after her bath. 

We have enjoyed a bond with Taryn and Jeremiah for several years and I enjoyed sharing stories with Taryn about when she was a baby.  (Jeremiah was way too busy upstairs to listen to stories ;-)  We appreciate the opportunity to bond with Kimmie this weekend.   

I really enjoyed having three of the Fulp children with us and we thank Daryl and Wanda for asking us to care for them in their absence.  Scott had a great time with Kimmie, Jeremiah and Taryn as well.  He was sad that he would be gone this morning when they left.  He spent a little extra time with them before bed last night.

Taking care of Kimmie's needs for 48 hours helps me to remember what it's like to have a younger child.  We look forward to caring for Jaden's every need very soon! 

~Traci

Memorial dinner for Mom.....

In the past I would call the annual get together with my brother and sisters our "Annual dinner with Mom."  That always bothered one of my sisters.  She thought that it was a ridiculous way to refer to our time together. I thought that she was being overly sensitive.  Until last night.  We talked about it last night and she said, "It's a memorial dinner for Mom."  Hmmmmm.....she's right, it is a memorial dinner.  I enjoy that time with my brother and sisters.  From now on I will respect her feelings and refer to our dinner properly. 

My brother, sisters and I have been coming together for dinner near the anniversary of our Mom's death since 1993. We have dinner and then share memories, laughs and sometimes tears.  Last year we included our spouses and children.  We thought that the kids were getting old enough to learn more about their grandmother.  Well, it didn't work.  I think there were just too many of us.  Only a couple of them had ever met Mom.  So, this year we went back to the smaller get together. 

Last night Sandy asked this question, "Can you share a memory of when Mom taught you a lesson or when she shared wisdom that you've carried with you?"  At first, I drew a blank.  I couldn't think of anything, but then I remembered.  I hope that I can express this story well. 

First, I'll set the stage.  My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 17.  Mom had always been a stay-at-home Mom, but the divorce forced her to go to work.  This wasn't necessarily a bad thing.  I think it helped her in many ways.  Dad was an over-the-road truck driver and spent a great deal of time out of town.  Dad retained custody of the four children that were still at home because Mom needed some time and space to adjust to all of the changes in her life. 

(My family reads this site and I want to be respectful of their feelings.  I want to say that this part of the story is from my perspective.  I have no doubt that each of my siblings and my Dad have their own perspectives on this story.  I respect these differences and pray that they understand my take on these years as well.)

Being the oldest child at home, I took on the responsibility of taking care of my brother and sisters.  Part of taking that on was my control freak personality and part of it was the fact that I was put in a position to care for them.  By the time all of this came about my younger brother and sister were still in school and they didn't have a parent around.  They needed direction and I tried to deliver that.  I probably did a crappy job, but I tried.  I would call from work to make sure they were doing their homework, assign housekeeping tasks, make dinner, etc.  My brother and sister jokingly (or was it a joke?  Maybe it was more like frustration) referred to me as Mom.  My parents were dealing with a lot of junk and they did the best that they knew how.  All of this went on for quite a while.  Dad moved to Missouri and Robby stayed in Ohio, living with Sandy and I, while he finished high school.  He ended up moving in with Mom, but I remember feeling so much responsibility for his education and life.  That's what I remember, summed up in one paragraph. 

Years went by......I moved to the suburbs of D.C. and continued to grow and change.  The only thing that didn't change was my role as "Mom".  I continued to act as if I were the Mom of our family.  I had taken on that role so concretely that I had maintained it well after it was needed.  Unfortunately, I had enough disrespect for my mother that I firmly believed that I could do it better.  Those weren't conscience thoughts (or were they?) but that attitude definitely existed inside of me. 

I promise, I'm getting to my point.  When I was almost 28 I moved back to Dayton.  Mom had been diagnosed with colon cancer and she was not doing well.  I spent the next ten months watching my mother slowly die. 

Just days prior to my mother's death I had an encounter with her that changed me forever.  I don't remember the details, only that Robby and I had been in an argument and I was obviously trying to tell him what to do.  I wish I remembered what the problem was but that's really not the point of the story.  The point is that I was playing the "Mom" card and he didn't like it one bit.  Apparently, he talked with Mom and she called me to her house. 

I remember knowing that she was mad at me.  I walked into her home and she was laying in the hospital bed in her living room.  If you knew my Mom then you know that she didn't mince words.  She got straight to the point.  I wish that I could tell you exactly what she said.  I wish that I could still hear her words.  But, I can't.  What I do know is that she had enough!  She let me know in no uncertain terms that it was over.  She let me know who the mother was in this family.  She clearly stated my role as sister and daughter.  She layed into me hard and heavy. 

Oh, I was mad!!  How dare she slack in her role as their mother and then lay into me when I did what came naturally after being put in the "Mom role" for so long.  I don't remember what happened next.  We could usually get mad at each other, run our mouths for awhile and then end up talking in a civil tone about the issue.  Considering how productive that conversation ended up being for me, I have to assume that is what happened on that day.

Just days before her death, she gave me the greatest gift that she could have given.  She took back the responsibility that she and Dad had placed on me years before.  She proclaimed her role as mother in our family and she elevated my little brother and sister to adults in my eyes.  I believe that if she had not done that then my brother, sisters and I probably wouldn't be having dinner each year to memorialize our mother.  I'm sure that I would have screwed up our relationships by now. 

Yes, Sandy, I remember a time when she taught a lesson and shared her wisdom.   I will be forever grateful for that argument with my Mom.  It's the last one that we had.

I love you Mom!