Looking At It From Mom's Perspective

Bringing Home #5

Blogging about our experiences with bringing home Beautiful Child #5 can be touchy, but we know that so many of you are asking.  This is what I feel comfortable sharing at this point.  Thank you for your support and love for our family.  We are so grateful!!

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We are in love and falling more in love every single day. God has a plan for our family that far exceeds anything that we could ever dream to ask for. He plans to grow us and make us even more whole. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We know that is true for our family and for our Girl. God does have a future for her and for us and we are so grateful for His faithfulness.

It became clear at the end of last year that God had been preparing our family for growth for a very long time. First, he gave us Valerie. Our first. Our challenge. The one who would force us to look deep at parenting. The one who forced us to stand up and make a decision. He knew that He was going to use Valerie to change us, grow us, hold us accountable. There was a time when she (or was it we) made parenting feel impossible, even miserable. I wanted to crawl under my blanket and not come out. It was just too hard! And....we were losing her.

And then God whispered, "Be the parents that she needs you to be." "But, I don't know how!!" "I'll help you figure it out." And He did. Slowly, carefully, deliberately he showed us and she responded. Our "troubled" litte girl (I think the parents are the ones that were really troubled) just needed parents who cared enough to do what was best for HER. And now she is whole again. Thank you, God!! Only You could do that.

Scott & I 100% believe that God took Valerie to that place in order to show us how to get back. He taught us how to love and reach a child that didn't trust us, didn't believe us, and didn't want anything to do with us. He gave us a picture of what our future might look like with Child #5. He gave us a training ground and then convicted our hearts in where to go from there.

Through the whispers of the Holy Spirit we learned and she responded. We were no longer in a battle and we had her heart for the first time. It was only several short months after this miracle that He introduced us to our fourth daughter, our fifth child. Really, God? Another gift? Really?!

On Sunday, for the tenth weekend in a row, we had to send Child #5 back home again. We have been "co-parenting" with Angela & Rich since Christmas. It's been getting harder and harder to do that each week, but this past Sunday they may as well have asked us to put Jaden on a plane and send her back to her homeland. It felt that impossible to send K home again!! Every cell in my body cried for the weekend visits to stop and for her to stay forever! I held it in when I wanted to cry out because I knew that I had to.

Every Sunday she starts to shut down just before it's time to leave to go home. Her chin falls to her chest as her arms cross. She stops talking and holds her bubbly personality back. We lose our happy girl. But this week, the week that I really started to struggle and wanted to shut down myself, she simply leaned back against the kitchen sink and said, "I don't want to go home." I was able to give her a big hug and say, "I don't want you to go either, Honey, but we are almost there and we can finish knowing that it won't be long."

She's happy at our dear friend's house. She loves them and they love her, but she is ready for the transition and so are we. I'm so glad that she will have them in her life because our families will be connected forever.

Let's back up to the Saturday night before this. We had a great day full of basketball, a visit with her brothers, and then home to relax. When it came time to put the kids to bed I went up to K's room and sat on the edge of her bed. She wrapped her body like a C around me as I sat on the edge of her bed. We snuggled as we talked and prayed. I stroked her hair over and over and over as I prayed for her heart, for her hurts, for her brothers, for her parents, and for her future. The more I prayed the tighter she snuggled. Tears ran down my face as I looked at her sweet, young face laying against my leg. So vulnerable, so sweet, and so eager for healing and love. It was a moment that I will remember forever.

Fast forward to Monday, February 27th. There was to be a meeting with the case workers, K, & our friends. I decided that I was going to go. The invitation never showed up in my inbox, so I decided to send an "announcement" to the powers that be to let them know that I would be there. From this point forward they are going to have a hard time doing anything without me butting my nose in. No, she's not ours, not yet, but she will be and, as far as I can tell, we are the ones with the vested interest and we matter. Thankfully, I was welcomed. I appreciated that.

This particular meeting was very important. Because K is over thirteen she has decisions to make. Decisions that no child should ever have to make, but she does. What she communicated at this meeting would play a vital role in determining her future. Did she know the magnitude of the decision? Sometimes I think she knows better than I do and sometimes I think she can't possibly have a clue. I don't really know the answer.

She knows that we want her forever; we have made that abundantly clear. There is no question in anyone's mind about that, except K's. Sometimes she struggles to trust that, but she has been told and, over the course of ten plus weeks, we do think that it's starting to sink in. On Sunday night before the meeting, she said, "I'm afraid that V & K don't really want to adopt me." We were able to answer those concerns directly and reassure her - again. The same way that we have many times before.

Toward the end of the meeting, after all of the smaller issues had been worked out between all parties, the woman who will be representing K stood and asked if she could meet with K privately in her room. After a very short period they returned and this authority person started a discussion about what happens next and was saying the word adoption. Oh.My.Heart!! Did K say that she wanted to be adopted?! Is that what this all means?! This woman kept looking directly at me. Staring into my eyes. And then she said, "Feel free to call me with any questions that you may have." That stare. She was trying to tell me something. And then she said, as she was preparing to leave, "As this is turned over to the adoption department I will need to step out and another caseworker will take over.” Adoption?! All I could do was smile. I couldn’t wait to leave so that I could call Scott.

She made her decision and we get to be a family.

Praise God!!!

We are so grateful for the gift of this beautiful child!

We love you, K!!

 

How Could I Forget HIM??!!!

My dream last night was weird!!!!  No, I mean really weird.  Weird enough that I feel the need to relive it here.  I have no idea what it means except that..........well, my dream was weird.

All of our kiddos were home.  Yep, all five of them.  We were enjoying life until someone said that Daddy was dead.  What?!  Yep, 40 years old and he's dead (Scott is not 40 and is a full 46, but it was a dream.)  

Moving on with the story.......something important was happening in our home (seriously, what could be this important) and I made the decision to move dead Scott from his last resting place to the bathtub for safe keeping until the event was over.  Yep, I just said that.  Told you it was weird.  So, into the bathtub he went, but he wasn't lying down like you might imagine.  No, he stood right there in the corner just fine - all 78" of him.

The next thing that I know it is five days later and time for someone to take a shower.  (FIVE DAYS UNTIL SOMEONE TOOK A SHOWER?!  Insert more weirdness.)  I was mortified to see that I had FORGOTTEN that Scott had died and that I needed to call the coroner.  FIVE days!?  

Ready for more?  There's more.  When the coroner came he was happy to learn that our heat was off and that Dad didn't stink because he was well preserved from the cold air.  (Even in my sleep I was aware of the ridiculousness of all of this.)

Unfortunately, I had to endure the police coming to investigate my very best friend being put in the corner of the tub for five days and I had to defend myself against murder, but that was just a small snippet of the dream.  No one seemed to believe that I hurt my man and it was clear that they understood that I was just a crazy, head completely full, overly-busy Mom who somehow, SOMEHOW forgot that her husband had died for five full days.

The reason that I wanted to write about this?  Because at the end of my dream my very alive and present husband reached his hand over and placed it on my stomach in the very moment that I was starting to berate myself in the dream.  What a cool middle-of-the-night moment.  Thanks, God, for the weirdness and the comfort.

Life.....One Decision (Obedient Act) At A Time

Good Morning!!

This bright, cold, crisp, and sunny morning brings me such a gift.  Today marks six months since I started with Aimee.  Six months.  It feels like we started yesterday and yet I've come so far. 

Without question, yesterday's workout was the hardest thing I believe I have ever done.  It was an hour and a half of cardio, but that doesn't begin to describe what we did.  I've asked Aimee to send me a pic of the write up and, if she does, then I'll post it here along side my first workout.  The difference is pretty astounding.  Yesterday's workout even had Aimee begging for air.  It was a killer!  And yet I'm not sure if seeeing it on paper will do it justice.  If I post it though, feel free to give it a shot - it'll kick your booty!

Those in the gym offered sympathy towards me after Aimee left.  I responded to them with, "I know!!  Can you believe THAT?!"  But secretly, somewhere deep inside, I was smiling.  I pray it's not in a prideful way that does not glorify God, but that it was a confidence that came from accomplishing such a big task.  She asked me to do the impossible and, with God's strength and the knowledge that He created me for this, I did it.  And for that gift from Him I am so very grateful.

Next week I start "training" a friend.  She is asking me to take what I've learned from Aimee and help her reach her goals.  I pray that I am able to offer the same encouragement, pace, direction, and love that Aimee has offered me.  Do I think that I have to offer what Aimee has to offer?  Absolutely NOT!  Aimee has a toolbox that, over the course of a life time, I couldn't begin to carry.  But I do think that I've learned a lot and I understand the struggle and that's what I hope to offer her along with workouts that progress over time.  I pray that God can use me and the knowledge that I've gained to help her regain her life in a way that she doesn't even feel is possible today.

After three weeks with Aimee, Scott encouraged me to stay on track and not give up.  He said, "You get out of the car different, you wash dishes different, you get up off of the couch different.  You're changing!"  When things got tough in the beginning I held onto that and I am eager to give a similar gift to my friend.

Thank you, Aimee, for being my friend.  For believing in me.  For giving me your time.  For trusting me with your heart.  For praying with me.  For keeping me focused on Christ when I was too breathless to think beyond myself.  And for changing my life.....one perfect lunge at a time.

You are loved!

 

Pictures

June 8, 2011

November 19, 2011

March 26, 2011

November 19, 2001

 

A Pair Of Pants That I Used To Wear Often.

STILL not quite half way there. 

Time.....this takes a lot of time.

Shockingly, when I lose another eight pounds I will be at my max pregnancy weight with Kevin.  Babies did not do this to me - food choices did it and I am owning that.

Oooooh, Just Found Another Before Pic On FB.....

This pic was taken about two weeks into my workouts with Aimee.  I probably had already lost ten pounds or so.

Now I need to post a full body recent pic, huh?  Wow, I was big and now I'm just less big.  Much more work to be done.

Have a great day friends!!

All to the glory of God!  He gives me the strength every single day to keep on keeping on.

Traci

Five Months Work.......In Pictures

Before 

December 25, 2010 

 

After five months of work.

November 15, 2011

Still not quite half way there, but feeling that it will happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cravings Are Wicked!!!

The Solution To Obesity Is Fairly Simple.

(For me.)

Are you ready?

Avoid all processed foods.

Here is the hard part:

Avoiding all processed foods while continuing to live in this culture.

Seriously, I don't think that I've ever known that not eating any processed foods will stop cravings until recently.  I can go for days and days without any cravings (None At All!) because I'm only putting whole foods into my body and then ***BAM!!!*** I'll decide that it's okay to have a little something while out and the cravings return with a vengence!

After being off track for a couple of weeks, I ate 100% clean from last Tuesday until this past Saturday.  No problems.  No cravings.  No desires to veer off of my path.  And then I decided to enjoy my favorite restaurant again on Sunday.  That has lead to two days of poor choices.  Not choices that make me gain, but definitely choices that keep the scale from continuing on its journey.

Instead of driving straight home from school this morning, I should have gone Krogering.  My cupboards are a little empty but I thought I would be okay to get through today.  I was wrong.  When I don't have prepared foods I'm left in scavenger mode and that is not a good mode for weight loss.

All of this to say that tomorrow is a new day.  Aimee has already let me know that we'll have an interval day which means burning something like 5,000 calories in 105 minutes  ;).  So, couple that workout with clean eating tomorrow and I should almost be at goal weight.  Okay, okay, another good workout in the morning, tracking my food, eat only whole food, and drinking my water.  That's the plan.

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Now, to the good part of the post.  (Insert eye roll here.)  I about came unglued at the gym this morning.  Aimee and I were having a peaceful workout of cardio followed by strength training when I witnessed what had previously only been rumor.

I was on the pec deck which sits directly behind the bikes.  Sitting on one of the bikes was a regular that is in his 70s or 80s.  This "man" has a reputation and, if you come to the gym at 5 AM for any length of time, you'll be warned by the other female regulars.  So I had been duly warned. 

He was peddling his bike and on either side of him were two of the other male regulars - one in his 60s and the other in his 50s.  I noticed them all looking in the direction of a newcomers booty and thought I saw them all nodding their heads in unison as if talking about said booty.  Being the optimist that I am, bahahahaha, I questioned myself making such assumptions.  Surely they were not standing there gawking and talking about this girls behind!!!

Aimee and I continued our circuit but I didn't take my eyes or ears off of them.  Sure enough, I overheard them making vulgar comments about this girl, her anatomy, and what they would enjoy doing with it.  I was on my third set and had difficulty completing my second set at the current weight, but I flew through the third set.  Aimee says it's because they got my blood boiling and I'd have to agree.

What is wrong with men?!?!  I can understand admiring a beautiful woman and this woman is certainly pretty, but to stand in an old boys club and talk about her with such vulgarity?!  REALLY?!?!  She was dressed 100% appropriately and modestly.  These men are simply animals!!

Watching that made me want to stop my weight loss right now.  If taking care of myself and becoming the weight that God intends for me means that I'll be subjected to being raped with male eyes then take me out of the race!!

Thanking God tonight for Scott Smith.  There ARE real men in the world that have class and I'm grateful to be married to one of them.

Scott just came home and I read this to him.  I said, "Do men really do this stuff?!"  "Oh yea.  All the time.  It's disgusting!  More than half would do that.  That's why I don't like hanging around with guys - or most of them."  He then encouraged me to call these guys out.  So tempting.

Raising Adults

When you have a job you earn money, right?

Scott works as an electrician, I work to manage the house, and we have an earned income.  The kid's job is to go to school, study, work hard, and bring home good grades.  For their efforts we have paid them when their report cards come out.  It's been our version of allowance. 

Our old system looked like this:

A - $10

B - $5

C - minus $5

And one C would result in them not being paid for their extra curricular grades like; Gym, Computer, Band, Music, and Art.  Extras are an easy $50/quarter and so that's been painful on one or two occasions.

D - NO MONEY! And the discipline is ugly.  ;)

F - NO MONEY!  And you can only imagine what would happen.

For the most part this has worked okay, but as they get older we need a new plan - more responsibility.

Friends of ours recently shared the system that they use in their house and we like it.  Even though we don't have the details worked out completely because it has to be adjusted for each family, we are starting today and will tweek over the next few weeks.

The kids each received a checkbook register this morning.  Each week we are deposting X amount of dollars into the register.  Each child will then subtract out of the register their automatic bills.  For example all of them; tithe 10%, subtract out 10% a week to pay for the child that they sponsor, and subtract out 30% savings for themselves.  Scott & I will then write the  checks needed for church and to each of them to deposit into their savings and they will take the checks to church and the bank.  The sponsored children are taken care of automatically out of our checking account. 

We are not giving the kids cash because we're dealing in larger numbers and, at this age, we don't want any money misplaced or lost.  They do have to have their registers with them when we're out in order to spend any money.  And I'm sticking to that rule! 

After paying their "bills" they are left with X amount of dollars that they are to use as they like, but included in that money are; any extra school lunches they want to buy (we pay for five a month), bday gifts for friends, jeans/shoes that cost more than Dad & I think are reasonable, trinkets when out and about, a random stop at DQ for a sundae, etc.  Can you imagine never hearing, "Hey, Mom, can we have........."  They can simply make a decision.

Part of tweeking this plan will be figuring out how to incorporate their grades into their "paycheck."  Bonuses?  Docking pay?  Not sure......still working this one out.

In time this system will change again.  Scott is very interested in putting into place a system that another family used in their home.  Their system was much more elaborate and included the kids paying a percentage of EVERYTHING that the house was responsible for.  Included in this were; vet bills, electric, gas for the car, etc.  I'm not sure how they handled the logistics of this one, but we're willing to learn.

Scott's motto, that he reiterated again this morning, is:

We're Raising Adults - Not Children

And you know those things that don't get put away before they go to bed or leave for school?  Yea, they're paying for me to clean those things up as well.  I'm thinking that will be less of a problem this coming week.  :D  So excited about that one!!

How are you being intentional in your parenting?

My Blogging Brain Is Coming Back!

I can feel it coming. 

Not at break neck speed, but it's coming.  Without the ability to post to facebook, my brain is slowly building up thoughts that just have to come out.  Yea!.....fb thoughts can be full blow blogging topics.

Even though I would love to talk about me (typical) and being nearly five months into my journey (when did THAT happen?), I'm most concerned about blogging what is happening with the kids.  They are absolutely, positively the most awesome part of living on this earth.  They are a picture of what heaven must be like.

I always knew that if we could just get away from those baby years (I was so not good then), we would find this kind of joy.  Even in the difficulties, and there have been difficulties recently, there is such joy!!  I will go to my grave saying that as long as children possess a teachable spirit, there can be joy in parenting.  The hard part is operating as a parent in a way that allows them to possess that teachable spirit.  For us, that had to be learned and refined.  And learned and refined.  And learned and refined.

Valerie, Kevin, Jade, and Yitong; You are so very, very loved and I'm so grateful to be your Momma'!!

More to come soon....so check back!

traci